LETTER TO THE CANADIAN OLYMPIC DEPARTMENT
Dear International Olympic Canadian Department of Olympics,
It has come to my attention that you have disqualified Robin Scherbatsky from pole vault competition because she is too tall. Come on, Canada. This is the kind of backwards decision-making that leads to mounted police, poutine, and automatic weapons restrictions. Simply bananas.
Height should not be a mitigating factor when it comes to Robin’s eligibility. We’re talking about a chick who knows her way around a pole. Trust me. Girl can handle the biggest, longest, girthiest, beacon-like, unforgettable pole you throw at her. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got video. And as far as being flexible enough to arch her back enough to clear the bar? No worries there, bro. Lastly, if you really can’t bend on the height restriction at least let her give it a go on her knees… I think you’ll find she’s a champ down there.
You should also know that ever since you’ve disqualified her, Robin has been super bummed. And if you’re wondering whether she’s bummed about anything else you can simply throw those doubts out your stupid Canadian window. There’s simply nothing else at play here regarding her depression. What she’s upset about is how you’ve forbidden her to vault poles in international competition, and certainly not about having a pregnancy scare after cheating on her boyfriend with me. Like I said, pole vaulting. Nothing else.
The point is you’d be lucky to have Robin join your Olympic pole vaulting outfit. She’s smart, funny, beautiful, loves cigars, pretends to enjoy laser tag enough… What more could you ever want in a girl? She would bring so much joy to your life. You’d suddenly feel a compulsion to be the best person you could be. Imagine waking up every morning to that smile? And that little half-laugh, half-snort she does when you say something stupid? What I’m trying to say is that Robin is a fantastic pole vaulter.
I very much appreciate your time, even though as a Canadian it simply isn’t worth that much.