Monday, December 24, 2012


Patent Pending
Barney Stinson
Fortress of Barnitude
Awesomeville, USA 696969
United States Patent and Trademark Office
ATTN: Commissioner for Patents
P.O. Box 1450
Alexandria, VA
22313-1450
Dear Sir or Madam… actually, just Sir. If you’re a madam, just pass this over to a sir. Thanks, lady.
Six years ago I applied for patents on two inventions. You rejected the Chick Magnet citing fears of “catastrophic radioactive fallout.” Fair enough. No hard feelings. I sold the idea to a company in Turkmenistan that is beginning tests on a prototype Chick Magnet. Based on a very quick image search, I hope it’s a strong one. Yikes.
You never responded to my second idea, however, and I’d like to resubmit my patent application. The American Inventors Protection Act of 1999 (Public Law 106-113, 113 Stat. 1501) clearly states that any person who “invents or discovers any new and useful process, machine, manufacture, or composition of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof, may obtain a patent.” I think you’ll find my invention easily meets those criteria. Ready?
Back Boobs.
That’s right. The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggie style. (I’d also like to patent that slogan.)
The idea is simple: Supplement the modern female chest with an equally supple bosom atop her currently flat shoulder blades. This way women can elevate their social status by doubling their cleavage while men gain the ability to gawk at a pair of cans without having to feign eye contact or interest in whatever it is women talk about… Our best guess is “shopping.”
While the invention is tentatively titled “Back Boobs,” I’d also like to file for protection of the following possible names:
“Back Rack”
“Mirror Melons”
“Boob Mullet”
“Double D 360”
“Flesh Backpack”
In addition, I’d like to file for provisional patents on potential collateral inventions such as:
“The Extreme Sports Bra”
“The Double Bikini”
“Back Boob Jobs”
“Fully Topless Bars”
“Reverse Motorboating”
I anxiously await your response. We’re excited to begin “development.”
Sincerely,
Barney Stinson

Sweet Interrogation Room


Bros,
In my prolific life as the ultimate bro, I’ve often found myself stuck inside a place I’d rather not be. (And I’m not talking about that Persian lady. You know who you are, K. Kardashian.)
I’m talking about interrogation rooms. If you’re ever being held in a backroom, ask them to point to the specific rule that prevents your actions. Trust me: It always works. Here are some instances where rules have been created solely because of something I’ve done…
“No Llamas at Sea World.”
So I was talking to this chick at MacLaren’s a couple years back and she was a marine biologist. I thought, “Okay great; I have scuba gear at home, this is going to be easy.” What I didn’t know: She was only a marine biologist because she flunked out of veterinary school. (Sidebar: Flunked out of veterinary school? How hard is it to memorize, “Bring in some of your pet’s poop and I’m gonna trim their nails.) Apparently she’s always had a fascination with llamas. I, on the other hand, have always had a fascination with doing it up against the shark tank while those majestic sons-of-bitches swim by. Long story short, she snuck us into Sea World, I called my llama guy, and the rest is history. (It’s not my fault llamas can’t swim or defend themselves.)
“No Sex in the Bathroom.”
This sign has actually been erected, and I do mean erected, in several hundred places in Manhattan. You wouldn’t believe how angry people get when they walk into the bathroom and see me nailing their girlfriend and/or wife. They’re horrified. It’s not like we’re doing it in the handicap stall! (Sidebar: The actual sidebar in the handicap stall actually provides a way to get a ton of torque.)
“No Spiking the Gatorade Cooler with Everclear at a Major Sports Event to Ensure Your Points Spread.”
This is just a ridiculous rule. So what if 7 people went to the hospital… I lost 15 bucks!
“No Fireworks in the Guggenheim.”
Since when is it illegal to take a smoking hot French chick to the Guggenheim, pose as great grandson Ziggy Guggenheim, and light fireworks in the atrium so that this, and I’ll again reiterate, smoking hot French chick, would do it under a Picasso? You win this time, Guggenheim Security… but Ziggy Guggenheim will be back.
“Do Not Pretend Your Personal Laser Tag Gun is a Real Gun.”
So I’m with this girl who thinks I’m a bank robber. Obviously, if I’m going to get her in the mood, I need to rob a bank. It’s not like it was a real gun! It was a laser tag gun! I will say this, GNB should know better. Why would their “Director of INFORMATION REMOVED” ever rob his OWN bank? That’s just ridiculous.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Jury Booty


My buddy recently tried a court case in front of an all-female jury. This was probably the best chance he’ll ever have to score a 13-way but of course he blew it because he’s “married.” What a waste! You see, when you’re litigating a case in front of a jury, you’re basically the star of the show: You’re dressed in an expensive suit, delivering impassioned speeches in a high-pressure environment, and your audience is legally required to sit there and listen. If you’re a lawyer trying a case, there’s simply no excuse for not winning a little jury box.
The secret to sleeping with a hot juress is to stack the deck in your favor before the trial begins. In this way, it’s similar to how you’d secure a legal victory, though sadly not as simple as slipping the judge a key to an Escalade with stacks of cash hidden in the wheel well. It all begins during the “voir dire” process… that’s when lawyers ask potential jurors certain questions before the trial starts. How do I know that? Because I’m fully licensed to practice law.*
Here are a set of interview questions to help ensure a potential juror will be fair, impartial, and most importantly, down to bang your gavel.
1) Please state your name, age, occupation and cup size.
2) Do you or any members of your immediate family or close personal friends work in law enforcement? If so, have they ever threatened a guy who said he’d call you back and then never did?
3) Do you have any brothers that you would describe as bigger than me? By “bigger” I refer to height and weight only, not penis length.
4) Do you have any sisters that you would describe as “crazily competitive” with you? If so, would you say that they’re hotter than you? If so, do you have a picture of them?
5) This trial is expected to last five days and one amazing night. That’s it. No more. Is there anything about the length or scheduling of this trial that would interfere with your ability to serve?
6) What was your age again? And remember, you’re under oath.
7) During deliberations, if you have formed an opinion, would it be difficult for you to keep an open mind and listen to the opinion of others? For example, would you be open to wear a wig and an apron, and speak with a French accent?
8) This case entails some sexually explicit scenarios. Is that something you will be comfortable hearing about and/or participating in?
9) Have you met anyone in this courtroom before? Look really hard, and try to imagine each person with a moustache or perhaps dressed in a uniform, possibly explaining to you that they had to leave early in the morning for a secret mission.
10) In order to ensure that no juror becomes tainted (heh), you will be expected to keep the details of the trial and any further contact with members of the court to yourself. Can you agree to keep this secret? In addition, it is extremely important that you not discuss with other jurors any personal interactions you may experience with members of the court’s members… unless you reasonably think the other juror will become so jealous that she’ll desire a similar interaction.
*…in Indonesia, Space, and certain parts of Louisiana.

Friday, July 20, 2012


Saturday, May 19, 2012


The Interrogation Room

Bros,
In my prolific life as the ultimate bro, I’ve often found myself stuck inside a place I’d rather not be. (And I’m not talking about that Persian lady. You know who you are, K. Kardashian.)
I’m talking about interrogation rooms. If you’re ever being held in a backroom, ask them to point to the specific rule that prevents your actions. Trust me: It always works. Here are some instances where rules have been created solely because of something I’ve done…
“No Llamas at Sea World.”
So I was talking to this chick at MacLaren’s a couple years back and she was a marine biologist. I thought, “Okay great; I have scuba gear at home, this is going to be easy.” What I didn’t know: She was only a marine biologist because she flunked out of veterinary school. (Sidebar: Flunked out of veterinary school? How hard is it to memorize, “Bring in some of your pet’s poop and I’m gonna trim their nails.) Apparently she’s always had a fascination with llamas. I, on the other hand, have always had a fascination with doing it up against the shark tank while those majestic sons-of-bitches swim by. Long story short, she snuck us into Sea World, I called my llama guy, and the rest is history. (It’s not my fault llamas can’t swim or defend themselves.)
“No Sex in the Bathroom.”
This sign has actually been erected, and I do mean erected, in several hundred places in Manhattan. You wouldn’t believe how angry people get when they walk into the bathroom and see me nailing their girlfriend and/or wife. They’re horrified. It’s not like we’re doing it in the handicap stall! (Sidebar: The actual sidebar in the handicap stall actually provides a way to get a ton of torque.)
“No Spiking the Gatorade Cooler with Everclear at a Major Sports Event to Ensure Your Points Spread.”
This is just a ridiculous rule. So what if 7 people went to the hospital… I lost 15 bucks!
“No Fireworks in the Guggenheim.”
Since when is it illegal to take a smoking hot French chick to the Guggenheim, pose as great grandson Ziggy Guggenheim, and light fireworks in the atrium so that this, and I’ll again reiterate, smoking hot French chick, would do it under a Picasso? You win this time, Guggenheim Security… but Ziggy Guggenheim will be back.
“Do Not Pretend Your Personal Laser Tag Gun is a Real Gun.”
So I’m with this girl who thinks I’m a bank robber. Obviously, if I’m going to get her in the mood, I need to rob a bank. It’s not like it was a real gun! It was a laser tag gun! I will say this, GNB should know better. Why would their “Director of INFORMATION REMOVED” ever rob his OWN bank? That’s just ridiculous.

LETTER TO THE CANADIAN OLYMPIC DEPARTMENT

Dear International Olympic Canadian Department of Olympics,
It has come to my attention that you have disqualified Robin Scherbatsky from pole vault competition because she is too tall.  Come on, Canada.  This is the kind of backwards decision-making that leads to mounted police, poutine, and automatic weapons restrictions.  Simply bananas.
Height should not be a mitigating factor when it comes to Robin’s eligibility.  We’re talking about a chick who knows her way around a pole.  Trust me.  Girl can handle the biggest, longest, girthiest, beacon-like, unforgettable pole you throw at her.  If you don’t believe me, I’ve got video.  And as far as being flexible enough to arch her back enough to clear the bar?  No worries there, bro.  Lastly, if you really can’t bend on the height restriction at least let her give it a go on her knees… I think you’ll find she’s a champ down there.
You should also know that ever since you’ve disqualified her, Robin has been super bummed.  And if you’re wondering whether she’s bummed about anything else you can simply throw those doubts out your stupid Canadian window.  There’s simply nothing else at play here regarding her depression.  What she’s upset about is how you’ve forbidden her to vault poles in international competition, and certainly not about having a pregnancy scare after cheating on her boyfriend with me.  Like I said, pole vaulting.  Nothing else.
The point is you’d be lucky to have Robin join your Olympic pole vaulting outfit.  She’s smart, funny, beautiful, loves cigars, pretends to enjoy laser tag enough… What more could you ever want in a girl?  She would bring so much joy to your life.  You’d suddenly feel a compulsion to be the best person you could be.  Imagine waking up every morning to that smile?  And that little half-laugh, half-snort she does when you say something stupid?  What I’m trying to say is that Robin is a fantastic pole vaulter.
I very much appreciate your time, even though as a Canadian it simply isn’t worth that much.
Americanly Yours,
Barney Stinson

The great Barndini




POOF! The Great Barndini returns! Today, as always, I’m here to educate you in the field of chick-pickuppery. But this time I’ve got a little something up my sleeve. Well, it’s not that little. It’s actually a decent size. I mean, it’s not gonna win any contests, but it’s not like you need a microsco– SILENCE!
As I was saying… If there’s one thing ladies love more than Cool J, it’s a magician. That’s just science. So what better way to reach their heart and underpants than through their mind? Today, I will teach you one of the greatest sleights of hand in the history of prestidigitation. But first, you must know that every magic trick contains four parts:
PREPARATION
PERFORMANCE
MISDIRECTION
GETTING LAID
That last one is super important. I really can’t stress that enough. Just follow these simple instructions and you’re on your way to sawing your lady in half. So to speak.
“THE SPONGE”
PREPARATION
1. Find a clean coffee mug.
2. Place a dry dish sponge at the bottom of the mug so it fits nice and snug. (Hehe, snug.)
3. Drop two ice cubes on top of the sponge.
4. Fill a small glass with cold water and set aside.
PERFORMANCE
5. Find a foxy female spectator.
6. Tell her to turn around. Lookin’ good back there? Great, you may continue.
7. Make some small talk (patter) to put her at ease. Gently rub her neck if you have to.
8. Pour the water into the coffee mug.
MISDIRECTION
9. By now, the sponge should have absorbed all of the water, but left the ice cubes intact.
10. Wave your fingers over the mug, say some naughty magic words, and slowly turn the mug upside down, pouring the ice cubes onto the table. You’ve made the water disappear!
11. Take a bow, give your lady a wink, and escort her to the bedroom.
GETTING LAID
12. Dim the lights, turn on the video camera and ask her to presto chango out of her clothes.
13. Now make something else disappear.
14. Applause.

Hard to get


If you read my blog often, or simply live on this planet, you know that 100% of ladies play “hard-to-get.” Recently, my best friend Ted and I found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: a beautiful girl at the bar was stroking his arm and looking deep into his eyes, but the straw in her drink was pointing towards me. To a trained seduction artist like myself, it was obvious that this girl was teasing me with a classic game of “hard-to-get,” while poor Ted was playing his own classic game of “gettin’ hard”, a game he only plays with himself.
Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing “hard-to-get.”
1. If she tells you she’s “married.”
This is chick-code for “I haven’t done it in months, take me now.”
2. If you’re blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, “Pardon me.”
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have “Do me.” It doesn’t get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.
3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a “safe word” beforehand. I recommend “help!”
4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.
5. If she’s eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.
6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.
7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead “ in which case, bail. That’s way too much effort when there’s probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.
8. If she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
She’s letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!
9. If she’s buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She’s teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.
10. If she pulls you aside and says, “Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You’ve been creeping me out all night. I’m about to call the cops.”
Wink! It doesn’t get much “harder to get” than that.

The awesomest things




When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.  True story.  But how do I do it?  Simple.  I sing the following song to remind myself of how many awesome things there really are out there.
Girls in wet t-shirts and chimps in tuxedos,
Monster truck pile-ups and Hans who shoot Greedos.
Wild chicks that beg to be tied up with strings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!
U.S. Armed Forces and dudes kicked in gonads
Box suites for football and chicks’ absent dads.
Single malt scotches that someone else brings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!
Skateboarder wipe-outs and first person shooters,
Reruns of “Air Wolf” and hiring for Hooters.
Hot girls that gyrate and wear down bedsprings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!
When the check comes!
When the girl clings!
When she’s fully clad…
I simply remember the awesomest things,
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Oh Canada!

I am not Canadian. How do I know this? Because I’m not terrible. Here are just a few of the infinite number of reasons why America is better than Canada…
                                                                    
Cana-duh                       U.S.A!                              
Population34.6 million312 million (over 10x bigger!)

Official LanguageFrench and EnglishAmerican

GovernmentFederal parliamentary democracy and constitutional monarchyNot sure, but it’s gotta be better than Canada’s!


FlagThree stripes and a maple leafThirteen stripes and fifteen stars. Note to Canada: To clarifiy that’s fifty massive, luminous balls of plasma, that through the monoculear fusion create the energy that powers the entire universe. But definitely stick with the leaf. That’ll get you laid.

CurrencyThe loonieNot the loonie

Favorite sportHockeyEvery other sport ever

National anthem"O Canada""The Star Spangeled Banner" Note to Canada: The title of you anthem is hilariously appropriate.

LandmarksNiagara FallsNiagara Falls AND the Playboy Mansion

General DemeanorPoliteAggressive, nasty, bitter, resentful… In short, kick-ass

Law enforcementMountieJohn McClane

Gun policyIndividuals who wish to possess firearms must have a valid possession license and must complete the Canadian Firearms Safety Course, weas well as passing a background check and waiting the mandatory 28 day waiting periodfire away








Healthcare systemUniversal and freePoor people die

Famous musiciansCeline Dion, Rush, Bare Naked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, Alanis Morissette, Gordon Lightfoot, NicklebackJon Bon Jovi




Best place to eatTim Horton’sHooters

ChicksPam AndersonReally? Pam Anderson? First of all, she’s super old. Second of all, when she wasn’t old, do you know where she went? I’ll give you a hint: It’s direcly south of you and has hotter chicks


GNB is now hiring! Apply today


Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Random awesome photo by Jessie Mok

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Thursday, May 10, 2012

....true story

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I will not call you back
Dear women of planet earth,
I will not call you back.

I am a Barnibus Stinson.
My toilet seats do not go down
I have just one coffee mug in my kitchen
All this so that you may know, I will not call you back

When the night is old, do not cuddle me
Leave me alone and let me be
But most importantly you should know
I will not call you back

I will not text you again
It's all part of my game
But sooner or later you'll realize
I will not call you back

I had fun last night, I must say
But tomorrow will be a new a day
It was nice knowing you but you must know
I will not call you back





Did you say something?


Iphone or Blackberry
Someone had the ordacity to ask me this most ridiculous question. Iphone or Blackberry. Answer is simple, I use an Iphone. You know why? Because I am awesome. You know that recent studies show that 80% of people who buy an Iphone will get laid within minutes of switching on their Iphone...true story. Iphones are awesome. I like my Iphone. So in conclusion don't buy a blackberry, unless you're lame or a virgin or a "not awesome" or a dork...
Justin Bieber at the Mayweather Fight???
**Head explodes** Justin Bieber was at the Mayweather fight? Seriously? That can't possibly be legal. In case you don't know who Bieber is (which you probably don't because you're awesome). He's pretty much the most famous lesbian looking dude. He's 15, no wait 17..who cares

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Barney for President?


I do not like you
I do not like you. I do not hate you but I most certainly do not like you. I do not care how your weekend was. I do not care that you just had a colonoscopy...thats gross. I do not want you to buy me a drink..unless you are a hot blonde with daddy issues. I am not your friend, and as mentioned earlier; I am not your therapist. I do not want to hear your problems, because I do not have any solutions to them and more importantly because I do not like you. I do not want to help your grandma cross street, I do not want to watch your dog. Because I do not like you. Do not say hi to me as you cross the street, I will not say hi because I do not like you.
Worst Date Movies Ever
So I've made a list of the worst hook up movies ever. These are basically you absolutely, positively, possimplebly do not wanna take a chick to. Check it!

1. Twilight
Really though twilight? Where do I even start. Vampires that glow in the sun, really? When I grew up, vampires were bloodsucking creatures, that turned into bats and gave you nightmares. Today, they're not any scarier than the backup cast of glee. Not to mention that Taylor Laurtner kid makes us look bad.

Will keep you posted on the list...
I AM NOT YOUR THERAPIST
I am not your therapist. I am not your psychologist. I am not your friend. So I open my mailbox today and what do I see; a letter from a guy who needs advice proposing to his girlfriend. Really? That's like asking a billionaire for a bus ticket. Like asking a basketball player for soccer advice. Seriously? A proposal? Cmon man! So let this be a warning to everyone else. The purpose of this blog is to "teach you how to live" not to "teach you how to get whipped"...smh. I have better things to do.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Challenge Update
So it turns out banging a cheerleader on each NBA team may be harder than I thought. Every team is in a different city and let's face it; "Barney doesn't chase the booty, the  booty chases Barney"..WUTTUP! But Anyways, I've come up with a new challenge; banging a cheerleader on each New York sports teams. So far I've got a Jet Cheeleader, and a New York Knicks cheerleader. Still have the Giants to go. Will keep you posted.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

NBA Playoffs
Now a lot you don't know this but I am a HUGE basketball fan. Hot cheerleaders in skimpy outfits. What's not to love? So I was talking to Ted the other day and I was telling him about how easy it would be to bang at least one cheerleader from each of the 30 NBA teams. And he started talking about how it was "geographically impossible", that Ted guy can be a real "Ball-Hog" sometimes...see what I did there..haha. Anyways my response was simple...CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I'll keep you guys posted
 Pros and Cons of A Stripper Girlfriend
As you probably already know, I Barney Stinson, is currently dating  stripper..WUTTUP. Well as awesome as that sounds, there are some cons to dating a stripper.

Pros:
1) Free lap dances...who can say no to that
2)You can never run out of one dollar bills.
3)You're dating a stripper
4)You're dating a stripper!

Cons:
1)Meeting her clients on the street..awkward!
2)You have a girlfriend..

So guys lemme know what you think

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I endorse Newt Gingrinch


As you all know I'm not really into politics, usually I'm too busy being awesome..WUTTUP!!! But I stumbled upon the Republican party's debate last night, and I've gotta tell you that Newt Gingrinch dude is my kinda guy. I mean sure he's really old...weird looking and has a head shaped like a turtle. But his numbers are outstanding. And I'm not talking political jib-jab numbers, I'm talking player numbers. This dude banged his 26 year old high school teacher when he was 19, then left her for this other chick 9 years younger than he was. And now his married to this foxy milf name Callista. People, these are numbers we can believe, not to mention he has a great suit. And sure his been married a few times, but who else are you gonna vote for; that a Romney dude? his been with the same chick for years. And don't even get me started on Santorum, do you even know what Santorum means? Because I wish I didn't...

Drunk Train: Day 1


I believe I may have made the greatest discovery since Sir. Stinsonium Barnicle discovered the female g-spot. I call it...the drunk train. You know how you go to a bar looking for a hot drunk chick...well picture this; it a train filled with..drunk chicks! I have decided to voyage into the unknown and find out more about this train. Marshall thinks its a bad idea, but then again what does he know about picking up women. TO THE DRUNK TRAIN!!!